i took you for granted, VHS. i took you for granted..
(Source: tastefullyoffensive)
Tracks
my nephew went as dwight schrute from the office for halloween
(Source: cyberstateofmind)
Spontaneous Wingman of the Year
this guy is listening to loud ass gospel music in the library and one of the workers asked him to turn it down and he said “YOU CANT TURN DOWN JESUS”
(Source: imaginebaggins)
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My Brother:
Is it illegal to expose yourself to a blind person?
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My Brother:
Why is it called a building when it's already built?
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My Brother:
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
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My Brother:
When something is shipped by ship it's called cargo, but when something is shipped by car it's called a shipment...
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My Brother:
If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?
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My Brother:
Why is impediment so hard to say when used to describe someone who has a hard time talking?
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My Brother:
What's the speed of dark?
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Me:
-awake forever trying to figure out all the answers-
(Source: redbloodedamerica)
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(I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.)
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Me:
“So, what will it be?”
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Child:
“I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.”
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(There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed.)
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Mother:
“Eggs… he would like some eggs…”
(Source: magickarps)
omfg i am so sorry to all you non-native english speakers that need to learn this shit
this is utter gibberish to me
Welcome to the English language.
Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-smelling shampoos before? Everything was strawberry, and peppermint, and citrus. Nice, normal things.
Now I pick a bottle up and it’s like DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSCHBK PLANT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OBSCURE VILLAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOUR HAIR VOLUME.
AND IT STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS TO ME.
(Source: nsfwhumor)
(Source: br4ndon)
(Source: jimmysaurio)
